To whoever reached my blog through a search for “lizzie borden 5 paragraph essay”:

The knowledge that I wasted a little of your time as you tried to find an essay to plagiarize for your 9th grade English class gives me a warm, happy feeling.

To anyone else who arrives here with similar intent in the future:

If you need help figuring out how to go about writing such an essay, shoot me an email or leave me a comment and I’ll do my best to help you out.

If you’re only interested in avoiding your work and having someone else do it for you, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

—The Management